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Squirrely Suicide Missions
Yes. Many of you have probably noticed the seemingly strong suicidal intentions displayed by the squirrels in your surrounding area. These are the squirrely suicide missions. In a vain attempt to take over the world (as are every disturbed animal of the wild), these squirrels take it upon themselves to show us humans the tragedy in our lives. Of course, we only see these antics as hilarious.
Each squirrel is groomed to follow this ritualistic form of expression. Trained from young squirrelhood to take on the mountain of society's great plea: World Peace. No one knows how they plan to bring said peace by taking over the world, but, at the same time, no one's exactly sure of the reason they must kill themselves either. Nevertheless, in their desparate craving of power, these squirrles resign themselves to their fate. Note: In truth, only one out of fifty ever fulfill their destiny in this way.
So, what about the other fourty-nine squirrels a roamin'? you may ask. All of those wandering about the yard putting nuts in the ground, frolicking around tree trunks, and chasing each other through yards. What about them? Ha! They have already pulled you into their trap. They are not innocent little squirrels, no. They run around chattering in their foreign Australian accents *chikoo chikoo chikoo* <-- a="" accents="" and="" aren="" australian--="" australian="" bring="" chaos="" div="" e="" foreign="" general="" havoc="" here="" how="" in="" is="" make="" peace.="" point="" reeking="" still="" supposed="" sure="" t="" the="" their="" this="" to="" trying="" upon="" world.="">
Nosireebob. That's not innocence you see. Merely the perverse intellect driving the mad dreams of these suicidal creatures. Our backyards are the motherships of their system. The "nuts" they plant are ingeniously designed to alert that day's fearless volunteers that another car is coming. Their showy taunting of the neighborhood pets is only to keep them far away from the incriminating evidence they so secretly mean to hide.
But, it has been found my friends! It has been found, and their plots shall be routed. Though all will be done quite unbeknownst to the squirrels, so when you see them in the road don't help them. Don't give into the plan. Cry out against the oppression. Avoid the stupid squirrel in the road.

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